Thursday, October 18, 2018

Relationship Advice

Every now and then -- not nearly often enough -- I head to the lovely state of New York to spend some time with my dark heart of sin bestie, Lady Murderbeam.

In order to get there and back, I have to cross the border between Canada and the United States, which involves a brief conversation with an agent of either the US Customs & Border Protection or the Canada Border Services Agency.  Who are probably now reading this.  So, hello!

The agents are always faultlessly polite and highly professional.  Sometimes I might meet one who's a bit surly for some reason, but I smile and behave myself and it's all good.

Once in a while, an agent will offer me relationship advice.  Seriously.  I'm not making this up.  The following conversations have all happened at the border at different times over the years.  Word for word, as best as I can remember:

#1:  US CBP
- Where are you headed?
- Rochester.
- What are you doing there?
- Visiting a friend.
- (leaning forward, smiling)  Is it a laaaaady friend?
- What?  Yes?
- Good for you.  Off you go.

#2:  US CBP
- Where are you headed?
- Rochester.
- Who are you seeing there?
- A lady friend.
- How long have you known her?
- Seven years?  Eight?
- Eight years?  (laughs)  You're way more patient than me.
- What?
- Have a good time.  Drive safe.

#3:  US CBP
- Where are you headed?
- Rochester.
- Who are you seeing there?
- A lady friend.
- (looks into the back seat)  Are you bringing any perfume, jewelry, or flowers?
- No.
- Why not?
- Uh... I'm going to get something on the way to her place?
- So you should.  Bye now.

#4:  Canada BSA
- Where have you been?
- Rochester.
- How long have you been gone?
- Two weeks and a bit.
- Who were you seeing?
- A lady friend.
- For two weeks?  Wow.  You must really like her.
- Yeah, she's pretty special.
- You should go back again soon.
- I hope to.
- Good, good.  You can go.

If you travel back and forth between Canada and the US even a little, you should look into the Nexus program.  It involves being a sort of 'trusted traveller', meaning that they've already checked and have determined that no, you're not the droid they're looking for.  It's cheap and speeds things up a lot, and I'm totally not paid to say any of this.  Plus, the Canada-bound Nexus crossing is pretty relaxed.

#5:  Canada BSA (Nexus lane)
- We good?
- We good.
- Bye.

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